Waldemar, the real Man

„Waldi, he’s just a real man,“ his wife Edeltrude reports, „I know I shouldn’t say Waldi, but he’s just so cute. So don’t get me wrong. Of course, he is only at home, not outside, there where he can show his soft core, so loving and so, but I’ll start again from the beginning, because you should understand that correctly.

My husband, Waldemar, that’s a real, honest man, not a washed-up salad leaf eater and green tea drinker. What are women doing with men these days? What do you actually want from them? That they all become gay? A replacement for the best friend? For me – and I agree with every real woman on this – a man still has to be like a man and also behave like one. My Waldemar, which is my husband, is tall and stately. Well, let’s just say stately, but that’s right. I mean, now that he’s over 50, that’s how a man puts on a corresponding belly. He carries this belly in front of him with pride and dignity. After all, he worked hard for it. This is no picnic, even if sugar helps a lot. And of course, my good cooking, if I may be so immodest. But nothing should be missing. The sausage for breakfast, the meat loaf for a snack and the roast with lots of fat for dinner. A real man also needs male vitamins, which are only found in meat. Meat is, so to speak, the man’s vegetable. This makes him strong and resilient in that hostile world out there in which he has to assert himself every day. What kind of dangers he has to face? And then there’s the hard work, day after day, in the office, down to the desk. I don’t know exactly what he does there, but it must be very tiring because he always comes home exhausted. And then he needs his proteins. I always pay attention to that when I cook for him. That’s why he worked very hard to get this belly of wealth, which he now rightly carries in front of him with pride. Of course, he has high blood pressure and the onset of diabetes. In general, he has to take care of his heart and the prostate, which also causes problems. You know what I mean, but almost every man who is over 50 has that. That’s totally normal. A man who doesn’t have anything at all can’t be a real man, really healthy all around. Or do you want to have someone at home who stands up for the rights of animals or howls when a few animals are locked up? I don’t think that’s a man. Such a whiner. Well, if women are a little hypersensitive, then it’s just bearable. The children get them too. But a man? Something really hearty belongs on the plate. My father, it has to be said, he always ate like this, except during the war or afterwards, and he also turned 85. So did it harm him? No. Tofu and all that would have hurt him. My mother would have retired to the convent rather than expecting something like that from him. And the young girls nowadays? They then complain that they have such a washcloth at home, but first want it to be vegan. One can only soften from all the vegetable stuff. And all that soy gives you breasts, I’ve been told, because of the estrogen. Do you want a man with breasts? Then better with a belly. You know what you have and don’t need to make such noice. Next week my Waldi, that is Waldemar, will have an operation. Then he gets one or two or so bypasses. Then his heart problems will be over and when he comes home again, i.e. from the hospital, he will first get a hearty steak.”

 Well, good Waldemar came home again, but soon after he died of a heart attack. But that’s all normal too. Osteoporosis, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, atherosclerosis and gout are diseases so widespread that they are actually considered a sign of aging and therefore seem inevitable. It’s a pity that only a few doctors still tell you that there is a high probability that this can be avoided if you live vegan and exercise. But what’s the point of all those wonderful medicines if you don’t use them. The main thing is that you have a real man at home.

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